I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
