I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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