hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
