I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
is it fun? or sober?
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
