Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
