I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
