It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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