Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Randomize
