in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
