Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
