I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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