That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
