If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Holy sore nipples Batman
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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