remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
