What did I eat last night that was bloody?
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
It's never too late to be topless.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I think pants incapable of making pants work
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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