My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
