I heard we made out
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I FOUND THE LEGS
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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