i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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