Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
