i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
tell your sister to shave her snatch
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
