FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
