i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
