and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
