He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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