The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
