I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
