I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Randomize
