alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
