this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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