Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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