my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Randomize
