There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Randomize
