woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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