summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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