Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Don't make out with my wife yet
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
