you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
