Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
