she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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