the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize