That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Randomize
