you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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