i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
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