It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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