I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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