So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
