She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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