I seem to have left my pride at pride
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
