I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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