I am puke
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Randomize
