apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
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