I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
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